Fantastic Ruin
by lordtrayus
Summary: Ezekiel marvels on how unique Sam is as he enters his body for the first time, and reflects upon what he sees in the youngest Winchester. Slight slash but only if you really squint If you like it I might do a followup concerning the episodes after Zeke joined the show


**Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural, or Sam which since this season started I have seriously regretted**

Fantastic Ruin

To his surprise, the first thing Ezekiel felt when he received permission to enter Sam was pain. He felt everything as he seeped through Sam, spreading into every corner of his new vessel, into every wound, every scar, every hole in his body and in his psyche. It was an intense, flaming pain, like a perpetual burning that he felt, a livid heat that surged all around him, red hot fire tinged with Sam's sobbing screams of pain. Zeke tried to block them out. The pain Sam was in, he couldn't bear it. How could one person be in so much pain and live?

He knew the stories of course. All the angels had heard them, everyone knew of the Winchesters. They were famous on both sides of earth, indeed, they were infamous in both heaven and in hell.

Ezekiel had heard it all of course. The promises, the allure of paradise, how Dean would host Michael and lead heaven to victory over the serpent. And then, then he had heard the rest.

How the archangels, Michael and Raphael, had manipulated everything to bring about the Apocalypse on the very world they were meant to be protecting. How they had duped both Sam and Dean into doing their dirty work for them and how in their arrogance they had assumed that there was no way in all of creation that two boys, one wracked with guilt and despair, the other seeking redemption and the unwitting pawn of the enemy, could ever undo the plans of the great and powerful archangels.

How very wrong they had been.

Sam and Dean, aided by the drunken old hunter Bobby and the rebel Castiel, had freed the world from the threat of the Apocalypse, and even more so, had plunged the two most powerful archangels into the cage. And all it had cost had been Sam's life.

And as Zeke saw all these events firsthand through Sam's memory, he mused on the path they had all taken. How Sam, cursed since birth by his mother and unknowingly corrupted by the demon king Azazel, had played his role in starting the Apocalypse by killing the Alpha demon, Lilith. And how he, a mere human, something that all of the other angels had insisted should fall into line and do what they wanted, had managed to defy all of fate and creation in order to save the world.

But he had paid for it.

The cage, the worst place on this and any other earth. The domain of Lucifer, and due to Sam's actions, made all the more cramped, not just by Lucifer's petulant, childlike wounded ego, but also by the arrogant, spoiled, stubborn and self righteous wounded ego of Michael.

And Sam had been their chew toy.

Zeke winced as he spread throughout Sam, allowing his presence to energise the young man who despite his relative youth had been through the mill so many times. Sam's body was burned raw, every nerve forever aflame, the scars, the deep rends in his body and soul left there by the archangels beyond the skill of all but one to heal, and even he would struggle to fully repair him.

It was the screams that were deafening, the screams of pain, of terror, the screaming for his brother, the pain he felt at not receiving an answer, the yelled apologies for all he had done. Sam didn't deserve to feel like this. Not someone like him, who had done so much to protect the world when that was meant to be the job of Zeke and his brethren. Zeke winced in sympathetic pain, wishing above anything he could heal the long inflicted but still burning scars that covered Sam's psyche. For all of those wounds were long gone, healed yes, but scarred. They would never be truly gone, and to his great dismay, they were far beyond his skill to heal.

But the pain, that would always be there, Sam put up with this pain every single day, the pain inflicted by the cage, by Lucifer and by Michael. Every waking moment, whether he knew it or not, Sam was secretly screaming in terrible pain as his flesh was seared from his bones, his insides ripped out, his bones shattered as every day he relived his experiences in the cage.

But Sam dealt with it. And as Zeke spread more and more throughout his new vessel, he marvelled more and more on what a unique and beautiful creature that Sam was, and how much of a tragedy it was that he had suffered so much pain.

He had such a strength of mind. It wasn't stubbornness, well that was certainly part of it, he was certainly stubborn. But it was so much more. He refused to allow himself to be beaten by the pain, the memories of his torture at the hands of the archangels. Despite everything he had been through, everything the archangels had put him through, regardless of the fact that his experiences would have destroyed the mind, soul and body of any other human being, including Dean, Sam persisted. He survived. He lived.

Sam had been through so much. Thrown into a life no one could have wanted. A revenge driven father, who in Zeke's humble opinion, not that he knew much about paternity, wasn't the sort of man you would want for a father. Yes he loved the boys but the way he acted wasn't conducive to a good upbringing. Zeke frowned as he saw the wounds that even the time with his father had inflicted on his psyche, however unwittingly.

Vowing silently to kick the man's ass should he ever get back to heaven (but only after he kicked Metatron's), Zeke continued to explore Sam's traumatic past. The death of Jessica was still a searing scar on his heart, something for which he blamed himself. He had loved her so completely, and to have her snatched away by the same foul power that had taken his mother away from him before he had even known her, the same foul power that she had sold him to and had corrupted him from six months old, made the pain he felt all the more keen. And then there was the pain of losing his father, the pain as Dean locked him out when he only wanted to help. Zeke clucked his tongue in response to that. He was getting a feel for Sam, and he could tell that deep down, he just wanted to help people. Not just physically, god knew he'd done that enough, he wanted people to be better, to feel better. And the way he was raised by an ex marine and by his brother who emulated his late father all too often, Sam's emotional side was clamped down on rather abruptly. Zeke frowned as he saw the amount of times Dean had lashed out and hit Sam just for trying to get him to open up. Yes, that was a productive way to go about things. Moron.

Zeke had to admit, along with his great mental fortitude, Sam also had the patience of a saint, putting up with Dean at times.

And as Zeke continued his stroll down memory lane, well Sam's one at any rate, his own one was rather boring after all, though the Trojan War was a blast, but he was finding Sam's infinitely more interesting.

He saw the pain and the guilt, the mind numbing fear as Dean's deal became ever more real in their lives. How could feel Sam's self loathing. _I don't deserve Dean's life, he shouldn't have saved me, he shouldn't die so I can live_. Zeke frowned in concern. That thought...that thought was echoing throughout Sam, all through him. That he didn't serve to live, that he should die.

He saw the terrible guilt and sting of betrayal and hurt, the feeling of abandonment as he helped precipitate the Apocalypse. The feeling that his world was completely dark, and that if he didn't feel obligated to clean up the mess that he had made, he wouldn't be in it at all. And once again that disturbing recurring theme was echoing through Sam's thoughts and memories. _I did this, I got so many people killed, this is all on me, I don't deserve to live if everyone else is dying. And Dean is never going to forgive me for this. I don't deserve him, I never really did._

Then there was the actions that he made when he was soulless. Zeke had to push down a little bit of anger at that. Those actions weren't Sam's fault, not consciously. It was his soul that made him what he was, this beautiful and wonderful creature, this wonderful human being. Without it, he was...well he was like an angel. But odd, to Zeke he seemed more like an angel when he wasn't soulless than he was when he was. But when Castiel told him of what he had done while soulless, he could feel the twisting of his guts, his devastation at what he had done. Sam...Sam wouldn't do any of those things. And then he had found out what he had done and it had shattered him. He had even been sick with the knowledge of what he had done, of what he had done to Dean and to Bobby. And there it was again, that thought that made Zeke bristle with fear and anger at some otherworldly force every time he heard it. _I let my brother become a vampire, I tried to kill Bobby, I let everyone down, I was a monster. Even the cage didn't stop it, I'm still a monster. I'm always going to be a monster._

Zeke didn't know much about humans. Other than his legend he didn't know that much about his new vessel either. But he could see that his new vessel, he hurt. And it wasn't just the physical pain. Lord knew there was enough of it. He had suffered greatly over his life, suffering physically. Broken bones, burns, stabbings, he couldn't count how many times the poor kid had died, and there were a lot. And then there was all the terrible pain the permanent ever lasting pain that the cage had inflicted on Sam. But there was more to his pain, more to the hurt than the physical. This was his heart that was hurt, his very soul, and it was in just as scarred and damaged condition as his actual body was.

And he knew that Sam should not hurt this much. He didn't deserve the physical pain that he had to live with, even though he no longer had to deal with that pain directly. But this mental, this pain that cut into his very soul, he deserved to feel that even less.

For in his deepest of hearts, the part of the psyche that no one, not even Dean had seen, aside from a brief glimpse in the church, that was where the crux of Sam's pain truly was.

In his deepest heart, Sam believed that he was a dirty, unclean demonic monster, who always let his brother down. He felt he didn't deserve to be Dean's brother, and that sometimes, all he caused was pain. He believed that he was tarnished, that the mistakes he had made would never truly rub off. He believed that he could never make up for the pain and suffering that he caused, and that he shouldn't be able to make up for it, because he deserved to feel the pain because he was dirty and impure.

Zeke felt that blow straight to his heart. Now, many angels, the vast majority of the species, wouldn't have been stirred by seeing that within their vessel. Most wouldn't care. But Zeke always had been quite emphatic for an angel. And he now felt how Sam felt inside.

And for the first time in his existence, Zeke cried. He may have been inside Sam, but tears fell from his eyes as he saw just how badly he felt within, how broken and hurt he was in his core.

Zeke saw everything. His life as the son and brother of hunters, his life dedicated to their father's bloody quest for revenge which made them into John Winchester's weapons of his own private war with Azazel. His determination to get away from his father, who was too pig headed to see that Sam wanted a life different than the one he had decided Sam would follow as soon as his wife had died. The pain he felt at never knowing his mother, yet being forced to honour her when he didn't even know the woman.

He could see the events that led to the death of his beloved Jessica, the terrifying dreams he had of her before her death at the hands of the same monster that took his mother from them and turned their father into a drill sergeant. The fury he felt at their father calling the shots and blocking them out, and Dean not having the sense or the balls to challenge their ass of a father simply because he was used to doing as he was told. And then there was the confrontation with Azazel himself, the battle which had resulted in the demon's escape, and the eventual death of their father as he sacrificed himself for Dean.

The pain of losing his father, the regrets of his life with the man seared into Zeke's mind. The hurt that Dean had inflicted on him while Sam was trying to help him, lashing out at Sam when he only wanted his brother to open up. The horror and the final proof in his mind that he was unclean when Dean announced that their asshole father's final act had been to tell Dean to kill Sam if he went dark. His death, and the shock and pain and guilt that became a permanent part of his life when he realised that Dean had basically taken his place.

The ever present fear as Dean's deal came closer. The frustration with his brother as he insisted that he didn't want out of the deal. The terror he felt at being alone. The spinning out of control as it came closer and closer to the day where he lost his older brother. The confusion over Ruby and her intentions.

Then the jubilation as he realised Dean was back, and the hurt as he saw that Dean's first response was to blame him for his resurrection and give him a hard time. The secrecy as he knew Dean would never understand how he felt about the demon blood, the fear of being found out, the self revulsion with what he was doing, the loathing of Ruby. The shattering belief that the angels that he prayed to weren't what he had imagined, but were in fact spoiled, emotionless assholes who didn't like that they weren't number one and were determined to make everyone else suffer for the fact that they couldn't have what they wanted. The hurt and guilt as both brothers pulled away from each other, Dean listening more to Cas and Sam listening more to Ruby in turn as both brothers with their secrets drew apart. And then the final insult, where Dean told Sam that he was a blood sucking monster who he vowed to hunt down and kill because he thought he was doing the right thing. And then, the all encompassing horror as he realised that he had been played and that between then, both brothers had set Lucifer loose on the world.

The fallout from Lucifer being freed, the aftermath of the blood addiction after he was cleansed by god and the awful realisation that he had done that to the world. The shame and despair, the feelings of unworthiness and being unclean that plagued his waking moment as he was the one who had caused it, he was the one who had become addicted and let this happen. The terrible mind numbing pain that came from the loss of his brother's trust, and the fear that Dean would never trust or love him again after all he had done. The pain of losing Ellen and Jo when they were killed trying to assassinate Lucifer. The determination to find a way, to try and fix things, to try and undo all he had done, while keeping his brother convinced that they could survive this. The anger at Dean's hypocrisy, after accusing him of being the one who would cave and say yes, because Dean reckoned he was weak, because Sam felt that Dean believed he was evil and would say yes because of the blood, the anger when Dean was going to say yes. Managing to suppress the all too intense desire to kick the crap out of Dean, and instead pushing down the anger and deciding to trust Dean as he had once trusted Sam, trusting him to do the right thing. The resolve to end the Apocalypse, the courage it took to carry out his plan and tackle Lucifer into the cage. The terror as Lucifer possessed him, the feeling of hopelessness and futility as he watched Lucifer rage against Dean, the pure unconditional love for his brother as he remembered everything that Dean had ever done and remembered everything the Impala had ever meant to them and the calm acceptance, and the slight twinge of smugness, as he tackled Michael and took both archangels screaming back to hell, his only regret was that he and Dean would never have their relationship restored to what it was, and that he would never see him again.

And then came the year, the year that despite everything, Sam still lived despite suffering through, and remembering what happened to him in that year. The pain, the screams, the torture, the anguish, the crying out for Dean while trying to protect Adam from the wrath of the two archangels, the pain that made it a miracle that he even still drew breath as any other being would have been destroyed enduring what Sam had.

And then he was returned, overjoyed to be reunited with his brother, with Bobby, with Cas. But there was the confusion and the hurt from how Bobby acted around him, the suspicion of Dean, and then the world shattering truth as Cas told him what had transpired while he had been in the cage. The world shattering truth, the realisation that he was still a monster, that rather than earning Dean's forgiveness for his past mistakes, he had simply accumulated more. The sickening feeling in his stomach as he realised what he had been, what he had allowed himself to do because he was without that beautiful soul. Then the conflict with Eve, the heightening suspicion of Cas and then the feeling of the world being pulled from under him as they realised that their best friend was betraying them, was a threat and even worse was working with Crowley. As Zeke saw this, he vowed to himself that no matter what he would never betray Sam, this glorious being who's life he had been entrusted to save. And then he felt his own ire rising as the traitor Castiel destroyed Sam's wall, dooming someone who was meant to be his friend, just so he could get his way. And then his ire rose even more as he realised that despite the way Dean treated Sam and never let anything go, yet his saintly Castiel wasn't berated for his attempted murder of his little brother.

Then came the hallucinations with Lucifer being an ever present part of Sam's life, Sam's increasing anxieties about his sanity, about the danger he was in, about the memories. There was the devastation as he realised that Dean had lied to him about Amy, and the realisation that no matter what he did he was never going to forgive or trust Sam for all he had done. Then the earth shattering loss of Bobby, the fears that his brother was becoming increasingly depressed and suicidal, the ever decreasing state of his sanity, and of course the return of Cas and Meg and the end to the hallucinations as Cas healed him. Then there was the desperate struggle to end the Leviathans, and the heartbreaking realisation that he was once again alone in the world.

There was the struggle, and Zeke was shocked to learn how hard it was for Sam to function without his brother, the thoughts of killing himself to try and find Dean in heaven streaming through his thoughts. Then there was the dog, Riot, the thing that kept Sam going until Amelia came along, and then once again his world was shattered and he was thrown to the winds, only to have Dean return to him. And then, Zeke seethed as he saw the deterioration of their relationship, as he saw what had truly brought Sam to this point in time. As Dean, hurt and angry, perhaps rightly, that Sam hadn't looked for him just held more and more against Sam. The encounter with the spectre, which was seared into Sam's memory, as he realised that Dean still held on to every grudge that he had ever held against Sam, leaving for Stanford, getting addicted to the demon blood, releasing Lucifer, his actions while soulless (that angered Zeke even further, Sam had no control, it was Dean's precious Castiel who had wrought that), not looking for Dean when he was only following his orders, his refusal to accept Benny the vampire abomination that had taken to calling Dean brother...

And then there was the determination to see the trials through, the loss of Meg and the scenting of the finishing line, only to find out his brother didn't think he would do it, that he needed chaperoned all the time to make sure he didn't mess up. His feelings of worthlessness, unnoticed until it was almost too late by his idiot brother who was so determined never to show emotion unless it was anger, the feeling that he would always be replaced when someone new came along by Dean just because they had never let him down. His resentment of Castiel who had screwed up just as much as he had, yet was never punished as much as Sam was. His biggest regret, always letting his brother down, and his brother, who always rubbed his nose in it while never admitting to any of his mistakes.

Zeke had now seen it all. All of Sam. He had seen his life, his joys, his tribulations. He had seen the events that defined him, the ones that had broken him, the ones that had killed him. He saw his friendships and his rivalries, knew his hopes and dreams. He knew his deepest fears and his hidden secrets.

Sam, for all his life, believed that he was tainted, corrupted, filthy and unclean. All because of the actions of his mother and of Azazel, Sam had grown up, lived his entire life, thinking he wasn't good, that he wasn't pure. And as it had become clearer and clearer what was going on with his life, his blooming powers, the interest of the demons, his father's order to murder him and the craving for demon blood, he had become more and more convinced that he was a monster, something evil and foul that didn't deserve to live. And as his mistakes piled up, he just became more and more convinced, accepting it as proof that he was a creation of evil.

And there was the relationship with Dean, in which he had originally idolised his big brother, only to become more and more frustrated by his brother's refusal to grow a pair and stand up to their father. Then came all the resentment as Sam started to rebel, resenting being dictated to by Dean. And then of course there were all his mistakes, which belonged to both brothers, which was a fact that Dean seemed to forget, and he never missed a chance to throw Sam's mistakes back at him, baring a grudge for any perceived slight for years while Sam just let it go. Every time Sam finally thought they could get back to normal, Dean would throw all his mistakes back at Sam, remind him of how badly he'd screwed up yet never remembering or admitting to any of his own mistakes. The reminder of how easily he was swept aside by both Cas and by Benny, casually replaced by Dean who seemed to glorify in choosing someone over him at any opportunity. The constant reminders of how much he had failed, of how little Dean trusted him, of how he always let Dean down...

They were the reasons he had done what he did. Stopping the Apocalypse, he did that to prove to Dean that he could fix it, could atone. And then he had striven to make up for the damage he had done while soulless. And then to make up for letting Dean down again, he had striven to close hell, not really caring that it would kill him because anything would be better than letting his brother down again, than falling to demon blood, than starting an apocalypse, for being resurrected without a soul, for having hallucinations, for following Dean's orders...he would do anything to make it up to Dean. Even when he heard that Dean didn't trust him to finish things, didn't believe he had it in him to go all the way, he was still determined to do it.

"_If you finish this trial...you're dead Sam_."

"_So_?"

And so Dean promised to put Sam first, and that he always would, no matter what it might have seemed like in the past.

And Sam believed him, and wanted so much to trust that everything was finally laid to rest, that everything was good again. He wanted to believe he and Dean were finally back to normal, all past indiscretions forgotten, that Dean would be proud to be his big brother again.

And the fact that Zeke was helping Dean to perpetrate this latest lie broke his heart.

Sam believed Dean. He wanted to and believed so much in his brother, believed what Dean had said to him in the church, that it was a new beginning for them both, that there would be no more lies, no more secrets.

And Zeke was helping Dean keep this a secret from Sam.

For Sam was now hosting an angel, an angel who he had been manipulated into saying yes to. And harsh though it was, Zeke didn't entirely believe that Dean saved Sam because Sam wanted to live. No. He had seen inside Sam's head when Dean was convincing him to survive, and although he'd never met him personally, he knew enough to know that Death himself had come for Sam. And that Sam wanted to go with him, he was fed up and just wanted out. No, Dean saved Sam for Dean, not for Sam.

And he kept lying to him, simply because he couldn't live without his brother and didn't want to be alone.

And Sam still believed everything was alright, and was staying in a world that he didn't really want a part in anymore. He was staying because he believed Dean had meant everything he had said, that everything would be fine between them, that everything would get better. He believed Dean meant it when they vowed to be brothers again with no more secrets and lies.

And Zeke was the one who was allowing this to happen.

For he had made a promise. He would heal Sam, from anything and everything. He would also heal himself, but now, the fallen angel had a new role in life. To watch out for Sam Winchester.

Sam Winchester, the most marvellous and beautiful creature in existence, his being a sheer wonder when you considered what he had been through and was still going mostly strong. He had endured so much pain, so much hurt, yet still he endured.

But from now on, Sam wouldn't endure alone. As of now, Ezekiel would be his guardian angel. Any pain he could heal, he would, and hurt he could remove, he would do so. For he was now bonded to Sam, and wouldn't never let his beautiful Sam come to harm if he could help it.

And all the while he would live in fear of the one thing he would be unable to fix.

The shattering of Sam's heart when he realised how much Dean had lied to him.

**Hello, just back to Supernatural for a quick interlude from Digimon, I'll be back with my season eight arc after I finish my Digimon chapter.**

**Now, I have to say season nine has been freaking awesome so far, and I only have one complaint: what with the arrival of Ezekiel and Sam being a thousand times more gorgeous than usual, I find it kind of hard to concentrate on anything**

**Anyway, to business**

**I really like Zeke (partly because he's hot and he's making Sam a thousand times hotter) and I really do hope he's a good guy, please let him be a good guy, we could do with a new angel since the old one has turned into a sex mad damsel in distress with a penis (harsh but as you might be aware, I never really had much love for Castiel, you might be able to tell if you arent)**

**So, I have this little story, yes the slight squint of slash is intentional I'm ashamed to admit that since he showed up I've become a shipper, and if nothing else, Sam deserves a friend, everyone else the boys know all seem to be Dean's first and then Sams.**

**Now dont get this story wrong, I love Dean, but I do think hes a hypocritical jerk at times hence the harsh judgements of him in this little story. And I know why he saved Sam, and I'm glad he did, but he's lying and doing exactly what he didnt want Sam to do to him anymore. But while he was saving Sam, the way he's done it, the lying, all of it, its just one big mess and its going to destroy Sam all over again. And like I said, I get the impression that Sam wanted to go with Death, and Dean manipulated him into staying. But it wasnt for Sam, it was for him, Dean wanted Sam to live for Dean, at least thats the way it came across**

**Hope you enjoy this little story, I'm willing to chat with anyone about the show provided I dont get flamed for not thinking Dean and Cas are saints who never do wrong or innocent babies who need protecting. Theyve done wrong, just as Sam has. No flames, but I'm willing to have a good debate if you are, so all of you please read and review!**


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